The Importance of Repair Tools

'The underlying philosophy is consistent with research, which shows that lasting success in relationships requires a combination of increasing positive regard in relationships, and ability to use repair techniques in conflict.'

This statement really resonated with me when I read it a few weeks ago - its clear focus on increasing positive regard captures something of the challenge of working with two people who are in a relationship but have come to see each other as dangerous on some level. 

Right now I am working with a couple where the love is clear in the room yet through the conflicts and experiences of the past he tells himself that she is toxic to him and she tells herself that he will never change - and so they look longingly and hopelessly across the space at each other.
This couple have had repair techniques in conflict that have clearly not served them well!

Part of the magical, absorbing work I do is introducing them to a new 'repair technique' that does what it says on the box...it repairs after conflict. The conflict that makes them experience each other as dangerous and cuts them off from whatever positive regard they do have can now be worked with by them with gradually increasing confidence.

I LOVE my work!

Of course...they do have to use the repair tool-and there in lies another adventure!

Are you paying attention?!?

Dan Goleman is one of the few people I open up on Linked in as I find his thoughts interesting, clear and to the point! He started his last piece with these thoughts...

"Leaders today are beset by overwhelming demands – scheduled every 15 minutes through the day, with an incoming barrage of messages via phone, email, texts, and knocks on the door. Who has time to pay full attention to the person you’re with?

And yet it is in the moments of total attention that interpersonal chemistry occurs. This is when what we say has the most impact, when we can come up with the most fruitful ideas and collaborations, when negotiations and brainstorms are most productive".

Now I know this on so many levels as a wife, mother, friend and therapist and yet it is one of the hardest things to consistently do! When somebody is expressing their own thoughts and I sense my own thoughts and sensations getting activated, there comes that moment where I have a choice - choose to stay present to them and relax into the here and now....or add my piece onto their thoughts and speed the interaction up. 

More and more I realise that the fast pace of life that seems so ingrained into me, (and most of us, I imagine!), robs me of the richness of truly visiting another and letting their world impact mine opening up new fields of thoughts and knowing.

From the knowing to the doing...therein lies an art!

Brainspotting

As some of my friends and colleagues know, I became intrigued by a powerful new way of helping clients process issues called Brainspotting.

The development of Brainspotting is being headed by a wonderful man called Dr.David Grand who originally trained as a psychotherapist and added, among many skills, EMDR. It was in the course of exploring his own developments in EMDR, (Natural Flow EMDR), that he began to discover the link between where we look in the visual field and brain processing, opening the door to his discovery of Brainspotting.

This is a rapidly developing field of, I think, great significance as it offers a way for therapists using any number of skills to greatly enhance and speed the healing in a client. Indeed my own experiences of using some of the tools have provided both my clients and myself  with some extraordinary experiences! Indeed, I would love more time to experiment and explore these fascinating new tools. However what I am doing is experimenting with couples on the Bridge and where they are looking with some deeper insights and an even deeper curiosity.

Those interested might note that the Basic 2 day training and Advanced 2 day training take place for the first time in London on the 5-8 June 2013. Details can be found on http://www.brainspotting.pro/

Changing your perspective - give it a go!

How do I persuade myself to see whatever is happening that is upsetting me as ‘real but not true’?

Well, one of my favourite ways is from Byron Katie’s work, ‘Loving what is’.

She says you are either attaching to your thoughts or inquiring. There’s no other choice.

 

Her four simple questions have re-grounded me many, many times and continue to be a powerful tool for me:


1. Is it true?

2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do I react when I think that thought?

4. Who would I be without that thought?



                                               Turn it around.


If you haven’t already tried it then give it a go…..the adventure is on!

Leaving the Negativity Bias Behind

As I think about this negativity bias and the challenge of consciously working with it in both my own life as well as my couples, I can see that it is a delicate balance. Inviting someone out of their negative story and experience and into reconnecting with all that is going well can have some knee-jerk reactions!

I think it was Tara Brach, another Buddhist orientated therapist, who said that the experience/story that is so negative and painful is ‘real but not true’.

By that she means that it is really the conversation we have with an event that determines how we experience it - or put another way, it is the story we attribute to the event that generates the body reactions, emotions and subsequent behaviours…

The Negativity Bias - do you practise what you preach?

So Rick Hanson, who has done a lot of research into the science of happiness, explores the brain and how the human brain hangs onto lessons learned from negative experiences. As a neuropsychologist , he is particularly interested in the intersection of psychology, neurology, and Buddhism and has some interesting ways to help us understand how we are wired to notice the negative and ignore the positive…after all, it’s the negative that potentially threatens us!

Working with couples I explain this to them because without them knowing this they don’t stay connected with all that is still working in their relationship. I try to practise what I preach and this one is a real challenge for my own life! But if I can’t hold the hope for my own life how am I going to hold it for couples in the face of their own pain and negative bias!

Why do we focus on the negative and forget the positive in our relationships?

We all know how powerful positive thinking can be, so why do we naturally tend to focus on the negative?
This is an important question for us as therapists and coaches to answer on some level because our clients will unwittingly invite us into a negativity bias! Now while we want to be with the clients emotions, thoughts and experience, we also need to find a way to resist getting sucked into the negativity ourselves AND help them to move towards their natural strengths and competence that are also there lurking in the background of all the negativity.

Rick Hanson has done a lot of research into the neuroscience of happiness and has found that we can credit our innate negativity bias to our ancient ancestors. I found this very useful for both myself and my clients to understand, so click here to view a video clip of Rick explaining the evolution of the negativity bias, and how the human brain hangs onto lessons learned from negative experiences.