Flaming...how not to get burned!

Although I didn’t know the word ‘flaming’ I certainly came across this with the couples and individuals I work with!

Very often in face-to-face interaction you get an impulse to do something or say something and your social brain says, “Uh-uh-uh! That’s not going to be effective.” But that message never comes back to you when you’re sitting writing an email, because there’s no feedback loop.

The result is what’s called flaming. Flaming has been known since the earliest days of email. It’s when you’re worked up about something, and you sit down and you furiously type up a message and hit send. For a split second you have a feeling of satisfaction, and then this morbid sense of, “Oh no, why did I do that? Why did I say that?” comes over you. That’s a flame. It’s a disaster. And it’s a disaster that would not have occurred face to face, most likely.

For me there is something here about a wider issue and that’s impulse control in a time where we have increasingly high expectations of both technology and how life ‘should’ go. More and more part of my work with clients has been to invite them into learning and using self-soothing skills to slow and calm their bodies and minds. For me this skill has gone from being a desirable skill for clients (and myself!) to have, to being an essential one in the face of stimulation bombardment!